I don't know why maybe it's the change of seasons maybe it's because there's so been so many things coming to the surface lately....maybe it's because I just turned twenty and I feel like I'm becoming older! Oh goodness there are so many factors...I think I'm making myself even more overwhelmed....
I wonder why I can't make my emotions and the direction of heart surrender to where I think it should should go. Why aren't emotions tangible, controllable, explainable, and logical? Why can't I get answers I feel like I deserve?
I wonder alot....and I ask too many questions. Questions that will never receive concrete answers...
I love how we think....or how I thought I could outsmart the game....how I thought by taking the proper precautions necessary I could avoid all risk and not get hurt. Like if I wore my knee pads, my helmet, my shin gaurds....I wouldn't get hurt I would be invincible. But I wasn't. Life is totally unpredictable everyday and I should by no means think that I can control it.
Is it true what they " It's better to have loved and lost that to have never loved at all?". I think many would agree with this statement....perhaps though that what makes love so great is that it hurts so much to lose....
I hurt inside. I can seek comfort in the divine lover and pursuer of my heart, my Jesus who know far more of heart break and heart ache than I will ever experience but sometimes I'm too stupid to see that. To see that he is enough for me. His hands sustain my my soul and he protects my heart....somedays I really can't see that or maybe I don't want to. And I want back what will never be, I want back what crushed my spirit and my trust. To lose something that you thought would forever be in your grasp to have someone that is always there reject you without any remorse or words...
People change, but if a person changes their needs, desires, and aspiration and goals from the one you once knew....does that mean the old ceases to exist and the one whom you made memories with is gone forever? Are they lurking some where in that new self...just waiting for something to bring them out? I've been told No...this is probably so....Oh how I wish this wasn't so...
Why can't good things stay the same? Or just get better? Why is there an end....
Why? because roads that go in circles are boring...and there is not point.
Thank heavens, even though I seem distraught and cloudy that I have a hope that will outlast anything that seems to worth while here. Thank God I have him to teach me how to deal with trials, loss, and heart break....Thank God that I receive these turns and trees in my road even if it's hard he equips me with all things necessary to pull through...
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