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He comforts.

Woah.
Some days I miss you so much it hurts. But I'm so thankful. I feel as if everyday that goes by is day I could have had with you. I could be seeing you grow, oh how much I miss that. It was one of the greatest joys, to see you experience new things, watch you fall down and get up again! I'll never see another face that lit up like yours, oh so easily excited. But you know what? I get to look up to you in a sense. Because you've made it Harrison, you've made it to the place I want to be. The place that my gaze is transfixed upon more and more every single day. What irony? Your older sister is looking up to you-- jealous for what you're able to experience, jealous for the wisdom and Love you've attained. I often wonder what you're doing I know I can't even come close.....I hate having this barrier of time and space between us- it strangles everything inside of me. I have so much to understand about God that you already know. I know you don't miss us and you are satisfied where you are. I hope you're awaiting our arrival though. I miss you.

Sister.

"Sister"
By: Dave Mathews

Passing time with you in mind
It’s another quiet night
Feel the ground against my back
CountING stars against the black

Think about another day
Wishing I was far away
Wherever I dreamed I was
You were there with me

(Chorus)
Sister, I hear you laugh
My heart fills full up
Keep me please
Sister, when you cry
I feel your tears
Running down my face
Sister, sister, keep me

I hope you always know it’s true
I would never make it through
You could make the sun go DARK
Just by walking away

Playing like we used to play
Like it would never go away
I feel you beating in my chest
I’d be dead without

(Chorus)
Sister, I hear you laugh
My heart fills full up
Keep me please
Sister, when you cry
I feel your tears
Running down my face
Sister, sister, you keep me


I hope you always know it’s true
I would never make it through
You could make the heavens fall
Just by walking away

(Chorus)
Sister, I hear you laugh
My heart fills full up
Keep me please
Sister, when you cry
I feel your tears
Running down my face
Sister, sister, you keep me




Woah. This song took me back, tears came streaming down my face and I realized....
I just haven't dealt with you yet. I will grab ahold of anything else before you absence catches up with me. I am reminded of it everyday-there's a lack of the treasures you possess. I can find myself looking for shreds of you in experiences I chase, people I try to get to know, and things I try absorb myself in.
Making so much noise, keeping the volume of my life so high that I don't have to see the wispers of the imprint you left. Even though I find myself looking for it everyday.
It's like you were cut right out of our family photo. We keep moving on, learning and seeing new things. I wish I could say your death has brought us closer together as a family. But it hasn't. Yet.
It's so hard to see your friends get older, and to think of you as a 14 year old boy--you're turning 15 this summer. You would have started drivers Ed with Dana this month and it would have been one of the best Summer's ever. I hate thinking that no matter how great an activity or experience is, everyone is thinking one thing. "If Harrison was here....we'd be having 10 times as much fun!". No matter how crazy or spontaneous something is everyone knows you could have added something bigger and better than we could think of.

WIshing for Rose colored glasses.

Just so tired. Clarity, it's deceiving and I'm guess I'm just a little girl inside, just a little girl. Always will be I suppose. I have clarity and understanding at times....perhaps I rely on them too heavily to validate me. I don't really think there are any paths or lines to my thoughts or feeling anymore. Perhaps They are just too much, to much to hold onto and I just need to let them go. It's easier that way right? I mean a back pack can only hold so much....either stuff falls out leaving a trail or it weighs the bearer down to the point of no progression and the bearer can go no where until it has been emptied.
I know God doesn't want to see me distressed or confused, hurting or lost. Perhaps my moments of clarity are crutches I hold onto....I hold tigher to them then I do to God, to His word, and His guidance...I am provided with understanding and PRESTO! I have been fufilled. Why everything makes sense all of a sudden...with everything begins to make sense I accidently start taking God as a supplement to my day....Oh dear.......
I just want it all to all to be okay...I want to fulfill a place and need and do it just right. Right now I have zero understanding or affirmation. I officially am confused. A place I hate seeing and I hate being. I want to close my eyes and see..........."MY MOUNTAIN." Covered in snow and all of it glorious splendor.
I wish the parts the make me stubborn, prideful and arrogant could be crushed without any struggle.....
I wish I could just let go and see through God's eyes and just learn to accept.
There you have it, the coming to the end of year, yours truly the EMO Karrah.

Why am I so short on grace? Do I not realize what is given to me everyday? And how can I not overflow with this gift...and extend to others? Ugh.

Paths that never end are roads that run in circles-

Wow, sometimes life hurts. Sometimes hearts break. Sometimes I don't want to surrender to the inevitable...somedays I just can't let go! 

I don't know why maybe it's the change of seasons maybe it's because there's so been so many things coming to the surface lately....maybe it's because I just turned twenty and I feel like I'm becoming older! Oh goodness there are so many factors...I think I'm making myself even more overwhelmed....

I wonder why I can't make my emotions and the direction of heart surrender to where I think it should should go. Why aren't emotions tangible, controllable, explainable, and logical? Why can't I get answers I feel like I deserve?

I wonder alot....and I ask too many questions. Questions that will never receive concrete answers...

I love how we think....or how I thought I could outsmart the game....how I thought by taking the proper precautions necessary I could avoid all risk and not get hurt. Like if I wore my knee pads, my helmet, my shin gaurds....I wouldn't get hurt I would be invincible. But I wasn't. Life is totally unpredictable everyday and I should by no means think that I can control it. 

Is it true what they " It's better to have loved and lost that to have never loved at all?". I think many would agree with this statement....perhaps though that what makes love so great is that it hurts so much to lose....

I hurt inside. I can seek comfort in the divine lover and pursuer of my heart, my Jesus who know far more of heart break and heart ache than I will ever experience but sometimes I'm too stupid to see that. To see that he is enough for me. His hands sustain my my soul and he protects my heart....somedays I really can't see that or maybe I don't want to. And I want back what will never be, I want back what crushed my spirit and my trust. To lose something that you thought would forever be in your grasp to have someone that is always there reject you without any remorse or words...

People change, but if a person changes their needs, desires, and aspiration and goals from the one you once knew....does that mean the old ceases to exist and the one whom you made memories with is gone forever? Are they lurking some where in that new self...just waiting for something to bring them out? I've been told No...this is probably so....Oh how I wish this wasn't so...

Why can't good things stay the same? Or just get better? Why is there an end....

Why? because roads that go in circles are boring...and there is not point.

Thank heavens, even though I seem distraught and cloudy that I have a hope that will outlast anything that seems to worth while here. Thank God I have him to teach me how to deal with trials, loss, and heart break....Thank God that I receive these turns and trees in my road even if it's hard he equips me with all things necessary to pull through...