WIshing for Rose colored glasses.

Just so tired. Clarity, it's deceiving and I'm guess I'm just a little girl inside, just a little girl. Always will be I suppose. I have clarity and understanding at times....perhaps I rely on them too heavily to validate me. I don't really think there are any paths or lines to my thoughts or feeling anymore. Perhaps They are just too much, to much to hold onto and I just need to let them go. It's easier that way right? I mean a back pack can only hold so much....either stuff falls out leaving a trail or it weighs the bearer down to the point of no progression and the bearer can go no where until it has been emptied.
I know God doesn't want to see me distressed or confused, hurting or lost. Perhaps my moments of clarity are crutches I hold onto....I hold tigher to them then I do to God, to His word, and His guidance...I am provided with understanding and PRESTO! I have been fufilled. Why everything makes sense all of a sudden...with everything begins to make sense I accidently start taking God as a supplement to my day....Oh dear.......
I just want it all to all to be okay...I want to fulfill a place and need and do it just right. Right now I have zero understanding or affirmation. I officially am confused. A place I hate seeing and I hate being. I want to close my eyes and see..........."MY MOUNTAIN." Covered in snow and all of it glorious splendor.
I wish the parts the make me stubborn, prideful and arrogant could be crushed without any struggle.....
I wish I could just let go and see through God's eyes and just learn to accept.
There you have it, the coming to the end of year, yours truly the EMO Karrah.

Why am I so short on grace? Do I not realize what is given to me everyday? And how can I not overflow with this gift...and extend to others? Ugh.

Paths that never end are roads that run in circles-

Wow, sometimes life hurts. Sometimes hearts break. Sometimes I don't want to surrender to the inevitable...somedays I just can't let go! 

I don't know why maybe it's the change of seasons maybe it's because there's so been so many things coming to the surface lately....maybe it's because I just turned twenty and I feel like I'm becoming older! Oh goodness there are so many factors...I think I'm making myself even more overwhelmed....

I wonder why I can't make my emotions and the direction of heart surrender to where I think it should should go. Why aren't emotions tangible, controllable, explainable, and logical? Why can't I get answers I feel like I deserve?

I wonder alot....and I ask too many questions. Questions that will never receive concrete answers...

I love how we think....or how I thought I could outsmart the game....how I thought by taking the proper precautions necessary I could avoid all risk and not get hurt. Like if I wore my knee pads, my helmet, my shin gaurds....I wouldn't get hurt I would be invincible. But I wasn't. Life is totally unpredictable everyday and I should by no means think that I can control it. 

Is it true what they " It's better to have loved and lost that to have never loved at all?". I think many would agree with this statement....perhaps though that what makes love so great is that it hurts so much to lose....

I hurt inside. I can seek comfort in the divine lover and pursuer of my heart, my Jesus who know far more of heart break and heart ache than I will ever experience but sometimes I'm too stupid to see that. To see that he is enough for me. His hands sustain my my soul and he protects my heart....somedays I really can't see that or maybe I don't want to. And I want back what will never be, I want back what crushed my spirit and my trust. To lose something that you thought would forever be in your grasp to have someone that is always there reject you without any remorse or words...

People change, but if a person changes their needs, desires, and aspiration and goals from the one you once knew....does that mean the old ceases to exist and the one whom you made memories with is gone forever? Are they lurking some where in that new self...just waiting for something to bring them out? I've been told No...this is probably so....Oh how I wish this wasn't so...

Why can't good things stay the same? Or just get better? Why is there an end....

Why? because roads that go in circles are boring...and there is not point.

Thank heavens, even though I seem distraught and cloudy that I have a hope that will outlast anything that seems to worth while here. Thank God I have him to teach me how to deal with trials, loss, and heart break....Thank God that I receive these turns and trees in my road even if it's hard he equips me with all things necessary to pull through...

Woah.

Can I just say "Waiting on the Lord is Hard."? Because oh my stars it is.........

Beloved Baller Brother

" You'll come back when they call you, no need to say goodbye...."

I can't wait to go back, truly I can't. How good is God?

Would someone please tell me...because I can't seem to fathom it for if I did I should probably be blown to bit to due the fact that my brain could not attain such knowledge and wisdom.

God, he's got my baby brother in his loving arms! My brother Harrison has been spared the terrible perils of this life and God brought him home earlier than we all expected...He isn't suffering he;s worshipping his creator and heaven knows what else....

I miss him though, oh how I do! I miss praying for him, loving him, yes I have my thoughts and memories but no active relationship right now, that's been put on hold. 

To think he's experiencing what I can't comprehend in the slightest no matter how much I meditate on is truly amazing.....

God is so good....I got to really develop a loving relationship with my brother before he kicked it. There is nothing I forgot to say him, no hug I never seized, I just miss him. With all of my heart.....perhaps that is selfish. I harbor no bitterness against God and I know Harrison wouldnt even want to come back if he could. But Oh how his absence is so painfully known.

When I see something amazing outside, or see his friends at school, or bake cookies I wish he could partake in the excitement at the current moment....but how he longs I'm sure for us to partake in his. 

I really don't know what this post is about except to relay that I miss my brother more than anything and this trial tried my faith, and he has taught me a greater lesson than I'm sure I've ever taught him.

Keep on shining bro, I think of joining you soon! <3